Ed Jones
One of the “jobs” of a pastor is to minister to the grieving. In doing so, there are certain actions that are critical. The first is simply listening with intent to determine what they are experiencing. It is not about trying to make them feel better. The point is not to cheer them up. The point is to be with them. Let them know that you will be with them and that you can imagine a future for them where they are not subject to constant waves of grief.
If you were shocked by the loss, tell the person that the loss of the loved one impacted you. If you feel like crying, cry. Do not suppress your emotions. Do not worry about how you should act in front of the grieving person.
When we are around somebody who is grieving, some of us are compelled to talk. Pastors sometimes feel the need to quote Bible verses only to discover that, many times, they only make things worse. The reality is that no one can answer why this happened. We should never pretend that we know why. Many times, the best thing we can do is to simply say we are sorry and be quiet.
Attempt to comfort the person by being supportive. The grief-stricken do not need our words. Simply, they need us. Chuck Swindoll tells a story of a little girl who lost her playmate in death. She reported to her parents that she had gone next door to the grieving mother to try to console her. “What did you say to her?” the parents asked their daughter. The little girl said, “I just climbed up on her lap and cried with her.” The best thing we can do is simply to be supportive and genuine.
Ofttimes, the most beneficial thing you can do for a grieving person is something practical, like washing the dishes or mowing the lawn. I recently read of a person who lost his father. He and his family were in the middle of arranging for the funeral and memorial when they received an anonymous gift card for dinner. It was such an unexpected and thoughtful act. His response said it all: “Whoever it was knew we didn’t have time to prepare meals. What a wonderful thing to do.”
Finally, do not ask somebody, “Is there anything I can do for you?” That puts pressure on the person to come up with something. Instead, announce what you are going to do. Just do something practical.
Ed Jones pastors Fellowship At The Ranch Church at Robson Ranch. This nondenominational church meets at the Robson clubhouse on Sunday mornings at 10:30 a.m. For information, visit Fellowship’s website, www.fellowshipattheranchchurch.com.